Waiting

March 12, 2015 § Leave a comment

I feel like I’ve spent a large part of my life so far just waiting

Waiting for what- I don’t think I even know, maybe for something amazing to happen like in all the books I read, like a check-list that lets me know that I’m really living.

People achieve a lot by the time they’re 20, at least at the uni I go to that’s what it seems like, and that’s not to say that there aren’t things or people in my life that I’m truly blessed or happy about. I am but I’ve come to the realisation that I’ve just been watching the days go by,  and not doing anything significant with them. I feel like some of the best moments in life are when you feel like you have a purpose, some sort of drive or ambition to achieve something – what that may be- again I don’t know.

I’ve been waiting for life to really get started but I’m almost 20 now. But really amazing things don’t just happen you have to go out there and grab every opportunity and create them if needs be. Passively going through life no more. I don’t want to just accept that things that just happen and you just have to accept that –  I want to go out there and change that, be an active participant rather than just sit on the bench and watch life pass by.

Waiting for exams to be finished: I have realised I will have spent 6 consecutive years of exams and being so focused on work that I sideline so many other major aspects of life for. It’s not that I don’t want to or need to do well in them but I need to find a more healthy balance of living in the now as opposed to for some imaginary future, because truth be told I don’t know how happy that’s going to make me – always focusing on the future to try to avoid regrets. But the thing with that is that you end up having regrets anyways, I just need to try balance living for the now with preparing for the future.

Waiting to be free and just not care about other people’s opinions, being held back by them when really the only person that can hold me back is myself.

Waiting for love – but the thing is you need to be your own person first and when you look back on your life later your going to be thinking I wish I made the most of this time, right now when I had it. There’s plenty of time to be thinking about all that stuff later, right now I should enjoy being my own person and get to know the things that I like to do and make me happy. Get some hobbies and not get caught up by the monotony of everyday life.

I am almost 20 now, not so much hung up on the age but rather the list of spectacular things I could be doing with my life. I am so definitely not a child or even a teenager any more. I need to grab life by the balls and start being an adult about things. Stop letting others dictate my life and just really grow up, become independent and take full responsibility for the choices I make.

The best day of your life is the one in which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours. It’s an amazing journey, and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins

So this is my last year of being a teenager

September 19, 2014 § 8 Comments

which feels kind of momentous yet at the same time I know that age is just a number it doesn’t really define you in the same way that experiences do.

But I like the idea of really enjoying being a teenager-

– it means that I can still be considered carefree without worrying about bills and scary ‘Adult’ stuff like growing up and ‘maturing’ . I’m not sure why I put that in quotation marks maybe it’s the connotations of all the typical life checklist things that it seems everyone has to do. Get a job, buy a house, get married, have kids ect. Don’t get me wrong that’s all exciting in its own way and I do look forward to that but there’s a certain kind of freedom that only teenagers get to indulge in like being able to shut yourself in your room just to listen to really loud music. Actually my mum still does that so I’m not sure if there’s an age barrier to that or not.

Ignoring all my rambling earlier, I thought that I would compile a list of some of things that I would want to do whilst still a teenager and can get away with it:

1.) Rebel – I’m a pretty decent kid if I do say so myself, I mean I don’t go out of my way to make my parents miserable. But I do feel like I’m missing out by not doing some of the things my peers do – I’m not saying I want to go crazy or anything but if my middle aged relatives have a more rebellious streak than I do – well it’s just weird, for example my uncle when he was a teenager got a tattoo (which he has since gotten removed) which if my grandma knew about it – well he would not be here today , he also used to drive around in my granddad’s car at the age of 14 – I mean what!- He’s turned out totally successful and fine so clearly rebelling did him some good

e.g.2) My mum snuck out from school at lunchtime to get her 2nd piercing before she even turned my age and has dyed her whole hair purple at one point in her life and now she works in a high school and disciplines children which I think is super ironic and weird the way life turns out.

Meanwhile, there I am still having not decided what to rebel about which I’m pretty you’re not supposed to do. Spontaneity and impulse are clearly not my strong suits.

I think this year I would like to stop caring about how people will judge me and just do what makes me happy. I mean it’s my life to live the way I want and I don’t want to live with regrets so if not now then when – who knows what might happen in the future and I don’t want to miss the chance to really live and experience life

2.) Commit – which is another thing that in my 18 years of life I haven’t really managed to get a hang of. No for real- I would be one of those brides that’s hanging around in Idaho milking cows just to avoid the ceremony. Like I would say yes to doing something and get everyone’s hopes up and then completely forget about it. Regularly posting a blog is a case in point.

I want to find a niche, like something I really enjoy and just commit to doing it and carry it through – I doesn’t have to be for a year – which is a bit to unrealistic for a serial commitment-phobe like myself, I just want to finish something off and see it all the way through

Ideas so far:

write a wattpad story

get a job

take a pottery class or something completely random but cool

become a regular letter writer ( which might actually happen seeing as how my friends are all going to university )

some sort of project, just for fun

at least pretend to try to commit to the whole ‘getting fit’ torture regime

3.) Travel at least once, to some place cool without my family

maybe go with my friends somewhere, just have an adventure and escape normal life for a little while

I think it’ll be worth going just to earn more about myself and what I would do in that different situation as well as  learning to be independent, which is something else I want to do this year.

4.) Do something this year that I could be proud of or tell my grandchildren about

– That’s a nice image: having a story to tell as an old lady in a rocking chair in front of a fireplace with rugrats around.

5.) Record

So I used to love diary writing and scrap booking but I kind of lost touch of that during the last two years because of all the preparation that was needed for the major headaches that were exams. But now that I’m starting university, hopefully it’ll at least be an experience which I’ll want to remember and so get back in the flow of things in terms of recording

 

Mainly I guess I want to appreciate and live every moment, it’s the last chance I’ll have to say I’m a teenager so out of all the things I want is to be able to say, this time next year, is that I really enjoyed this year and that it was definitely something that’s going to be worth remembering.

To This Day

July 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

Blackbird

May 18, 2013 § 1 Comment

Don’t feel sad pretty blackbird

I know sometimes you want to cry

Sometimes things will knock us down

But one day you’ll learn how to fly

Don’t feel sad pretty blackbird

I know it feels like there’s no hope

Sometimes things might not work out

But you have got the strength to cope

Don’t be sad pretty blackbird

I know life can be unfair

Sometimes things will make you hurt

But one day you’ll be out of there

Don’t be sad pretty blackbird

I know it sucks to feel alone

But sometimes getting completely lost

Is the only way to come back home

Don’t be sad pretty blackbird

I know that  you’ve  had enough

Sometimes life just isn’t worth it

But neither is losing so much

Don’t be sad pretty blackbird

I know that you will make it through

Someday you’ll remember being a blackbird

and hope that others make it too

dedicated to all blackbirds 

April 28, 2013 § Leave a comment

 

The Scars of Bullying

April 28, 2013 § 6 Comments

“A teacher in New York was teaching her class about bullying and gave them the following exercise to perform. She had the children take a piece of paper and told them to crumple it up, stamp on it and really mess it up but  not to rip it. Then she had them unfold the paper, smooth it out and look at how scarred and dirty is was. She then told them to tell it that they were sorry. Now even though they said they were sorry and tried to fix the paper, she pointed out all of the scars they left behind. And that those scars will never go away no matter how hard they tried to fix it. That is what happens when a child bullies another child. They may say they’re sorry, but the scars are there forever. The looks on the faces of the children in the classroom told her that the message hit home.” -unknown source, true story.

Stop the bullying.

March 8, 2013 § 2 Comments

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